[Verse 1]
Lump in the neck, don't panic, don't you fret
First we check the TSH, the thermostat you set
Then an ultrasound paints the shape in gray
Spiky edges, solid core, whisper trouble on the way
Needle goes in, Bethesda sorts the fate
One through six, a verdict served up on a plate
One's not enough, two's a calm and settled case
Three and four just straddle the fence, uncertain space
Five looks suspicious, six wears cancer's name
A single number learns to play the diagnosis game
[Chorus]
Papillary's popular, nodes it loves to roam
Follicular floats in blood to find a distant home
Medullary's the C-cell shouting calcitonin high
Anaplastic storms in fast and says a quick goodbye
TSH, then the ultrasound, then needle tells it true
Bethesda one through six — that's the thyroid interview
[Verse 2]
Papillary wears a crown of psammoma sand
Orphan Annie's empty eyes, now you understand
It's the common villain, gentle in its way
Still it marches to the lymph nodes, makes a nest and stays
Follicular's the sneaky one, slips into a vein
You can't just read the cells — the capsule holds the reign
Invasion through the border seals the final word
Without it on the slide, the cancer goes unheard
Medullary rises pale from C cells deep inside
Calcitonin spikes, and RET gene won't hide
Anaplastic's merciless, ancient cells gone wrong
Undifferentiated — the verdict won't take long
[Verse 3]
Cut the thyroid loose, two nerves lie in wait
Recurrent laryngeal hums — don't let it vibrate wrong
Nick it and the voice turns hoarse and paper-thin
Parathyroids are tiny neighbors, easy to pull in
Lose them in the shuffle, calcium starts to fall
Tingling lips and clawing hands, tetany will call
Differentiated cancer gets a second friend —
Radioactive iodine to seal it at the end
[Chorus]
Papillary's popular, nodes it loves to roam
Follicular floats in blood to find a distant home
Medullary's the C-cell shouting calcitonin high
Anaplastic storms in fast and says a quick goodbye
TSH, then the ultrasound, then needle tells it true
Bethesda one through six — that's the thyroid interview
[Verse 4]
Scan finds a shadow resting on the adrenal land
Leave it be if it's quiet, small, and unplanned
But four centimeters wide, or pumping hormone strong
Take it out, don't linger — the shadow's stayed too long
Pheochromocytoma screams in pressure's violent spike
Block alpha first, then beta — that's the order that it likes
Beta alone, unopposed, lets vessels clamp and squeeze
A crisis built from backwards rules, a textbook plea
[Bridge]
Carcinoid's a quiet tumor, patient, slow to tell
Flushing cheeks, the running gut, a valve that starts to swell
Right side of the heart grows thick from serotonin's tide
Urine five-HIAA is where the answer loves to hide
Octreotide calms the flushing, ties the hormone down
Carcinoid's old secret, finally tracked and found