[Verse 1]
They paint a picture with numbers that shine
IRR calculations looking so fine
But every dollar they claim to reinvest
At twenty-six percent? Put it to test
If that first fund from seventy-six grew
Two point six trillion would be coming due
The math breaks down when you scale it high
Welcome to the theater of beautiful lies
[Chorus]
IRR assumes what cannot be true
Every dollar reinvested at rates just like you
Fifty-three to seventy-five percent in fees
While billionaires multiply with such ease
From three to twenty-two in seventeen years
Mathematical theater engineered
They know the tricks behind the show
What they know that you don't know
[Verse 2]
Oxford research from twenty-twenty
Shows PE returns aren't worth the plenty
Eleven percent like the public markets
But carry fees hit their targets
Two hundred thirty billion collected
For performance barely detected
The billionaire factory churns along
While pension funds sing their song
[Chorus]
IRR assumes what cannot be true
Every dollar reinvested at rates just like you
Fifty-three to seventy-five percent in fees
While billionaires multiply with such ease
From three to twenty-two in seventeen years
Mathematical theater engineered
They know the tricks behind the show
What they know that you don't know
[Bridge]
Canadian teachers fund the game
OTPP and CPP by name
Twelve to thirty-three percent allocated
While workers get eliminated
Fee drag pulls seven point nine away
Every single year they pay
Pension paradox in plain sight
Worker money funds the fight
[Verse 3]
Management fees and transaction costs
Monitoring fees, see what gets lost
The beautiful lies compound each year
While the math makes billionaires cheer
Private equity's golden crown
Built on returns that break down
When you peek behind the curtain's fold
The emperor's math leaves you cold
[Final Chorus]
IRR assumes what cannot be true
Every dollar reinvested at rates just like you
Fifty-three to seventy-five percent in fees
While billionaires multiply with such ease
The theater plays, the crowd believes
But math reveals what it achieves
Now you know what's in the show
Mathematical lies below
[Outro]
The beautiful lies are on display
In the mathematical theater's play
But armed with truth you see right through
What they know, now you know too